(Scene: November 26th, in the AM. Nancy, a customer service representative at Charter Cable in Buffalo, MN answers a telephone call.)

Nancy: Good morning, this is Nancy with Charter. How can I help you today?

Me: Hi, I was just transferred to you by your technical support department. They said that you’d be able to help me with something.

Nancy: Well I’ll sure try. Can I get your name and account number?

Me: Ok. My name is (name withheld) and my account number is (account number withheld).

Nancy: Ok, let’s see... do you still live on (name of street withheld) Road?

Me: Yep.

Nancy: Ok, so what can I do for you today?

Me: Well, I was hoping you could disconnect my cable.

Nancy: Are you going with another cable carrier? Because you know we do offer many different services. Perhaps an upgrade to our Digital Gold ™ package might be something you’d be interested in.

Me: No... I don’t want my cable disconnected permanently. Just for a few hours… tonight from 7:00 to 9:00.

Nancy: Excuse me?

Me: It’s kinda hard to explain, but, basically, I don’t want “Rosie, Live!” to get into my house. I mean technically I understand that this show is broadcast over public airwaves, so the signal will be all around at that time anyway, but I just can’t risk any of my televisions accidentally receiving the signal. So if you could just shut off my cable for two hours, I’d appreciate it.

Nancy: I’m sorry sir... I don’t think we can do that.

Me: I’m sorry, I probably wasn’t clear. You can still charge me for those two hours, but I don’t want a signal sent to my house. So all you need to do is leave a note for the night crew to flip the switch at 7:00 and then again at 9:00 and we’re all good. Ok?

Nancy: Umm... could you explain to me your objection to "Rosie, Live!"?

Me: Well, it just looks like a terrible, terrible television show. I mean, there are probably hundreds if not thousands of writers in L.A. and New York, and probably throughout the country who would be able to put together a tv show or movie that would be infinitely more entertaining than two hours of Rosie O’Donnell singing and talking about herself, all while pretending that 90% of America doesn’t find her highly irritating. But NBC insists on promoting and broadcasting this garbage – this absolute filth. Did you know that they’re creating a black "Friends"? It’s the same as "Friends" but with a black cast. Can you believe that?

Nancy: Well, yes, actually I had heard about that…

Me: Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I object to “Rosie, Live!” because of her alternative lifestyle. In fact, when it comes to the ladies, I’m especially pro-alternative lifestyle. It’s just that, well, she’s so repulsive.

Nancy: Have you considered renting a movie… or maybe reading a book?

Me: Yeah, I tried that during the "America’s Got Talent" finale – it didn’t work. I could still sense its presence.

Nancy: Maybe you should get out of the house for a few hours. That might do the trick.

Me: Maybe… have you got any plans tonight?

Nancy: Well, yes, actually a few of my friends are coming over and we’re gonna watch... ummm...

Me: Ha!! I knew it!!