In anticipation of the upcoming football season, I've been playing a lot of Tecmo Super Bowl lately. Ok, so I would have been playing it regardless of the time of year; it's 16-bit or nothing for this guy. I've taken about half the teams through undefeated championship seasons during the past 15 years, which is more difficult than it sounds. Usually around week 13-14, the computer will decide that, no matter what, you just aren't gonna win that game, which is when weird things start happening. Injuries, interceptions, fumbles, players start slowing down, passes sail 20 yards out-of-bounds, etc. Last night, I experienced one of those games.

Week 8 of the 1991 season, Buffalo Bills vs. the Cincinnati Bengals

(Disclaimer - anyone who knows anything about this game is instantly gonna call me a sell-out for using the Bills who, along with the 49ers and Giants, have a lot of talent and should clearly dominate every game. But I've been playing this game for 15 years; the only thrill I have left is breaking 100, and you just can't do that handing the ball to Bobby Humphrey.)

1st Qtr: The game gets off to a promising start as I maim the Bengals kick returner on the opening kickoff and watch him limp off the field. On first and 10 at the 3, Shane Conlan drags James Brooks down in the end zone for a safety. I get the kickoff at midfield and, after two short passes over the middle to Keith McKeller, Thurman takes it in for the TD. My kickoff and next scoring drives are exactly the same, even down to the Conlan/Brooks safety. Score at the end of the 1st, 18-0.

2nd Qtr: Now things are starting to get interesting. After stuffing Ickey at the line on three strait plays, the Bengals punter unleashes a kick that travels 75 yards in the air. I field it at my 10 and, whoops, fumble. Of course, since my punt returner was the only person back there, I have no chance of recovering the ball. I do manage to keep Anthony Munoz, who recovered the fumble, out of the endzone. After a little play-action, Boomer connects with Tim McGee, who was triple-teamed in the corner of the endzone, for the TD. And even though Darryl Talley is on top of the holder before the kicker gets there, the extra point is good, making it 18-7. After marching down the field on what must look like Jamie Mueller Jersey Day (for some reason my receivers aren't getting open), Thurman is stopped at the 1 as time expires.

3rd Qtr: I try to open the offense up a little on the first play, as QB Bills (for some reason, Jim Kelly, Randall Cunningham and Bernie Kosar refused to license their names and are replaced with QB Bills, QB Eagles, and QB Browns respectively - one of those great mysteries from my childhood that was never explained - and from here on out, QB Bills we be known as Pseudo Jim Kelly or just PJK) finds James Lofton wide open down the side line. Lofton catches the pass and is brought down at the 10 where he fumbles. Arrgh. Maybe I was still distracted because my blitzer gets bounced and Boomer finds Tim McGee for a 90 yard TD on the next play. This isn't supposed to happen.

I get the ball back and PJK finds Andre Reed open on the other side, at least he was open when I threw the ball. By the time it got there, three defenders were waiting, resulting in an interception. I get my revenge though, stripping Ickey Woods on the next play (the ball is recovered again by Anthony Munoz, nice hands) and again on third down, when it is recovered by unknown lineman Joe Walter and returned 60 yards for a rare o-lineman TD. A last second screen pass/70 yard scramble by Thurman lets me retake the lead at 25-21.

4th Qtr. I admit, I'm sweatin now. PJK can't complete a pass, Thurman is due for a fumble, and the computer is out to get me. It's time for my secret weapon. (No, not Frank Reich.) There's one pass play that is a 99% guarantee for at least 10 yards, even when the other team blitzes. I'll just run this play and let the clock tick until the game's over. First three passes work great, 10 yard gains to McKeller (twice) and Jamie Mueller, and then I get greedy. It looks like Reed is open downfield, PJK flings the ball and... sacked by Tim Krumrie (which isn't so bad because I once had his cousin as a substitute teacher in the 8th grade). 2nd down, Reed is open again and... another sack for Krumrie. Where is this guy coming from? 3rd and 25, I get my usual 10 yard gain. So it's 4th down. I'm too close to punt (something I haven't done in at least 8 years); I could kick the field goal and make it a 7 point lead, but one of the neighbors might be watching, and I don't want to have to explain that. So on 4th and 15 I go for it with my usual 10-yards-per-play play and... gain 10 yards. Hmmmm. Friggin' Schnelker.

We all know what happens next. Ickey Woods breaks three tackles in the backfield and runs 80 yards for the TD. I get the ball back for one last play, but all my receivers are covered (pretty sure I counted 16 Bengals on the field... ref, can I get a call?) and the ball falls incomplete. So it's time for some quick thinking. There's a 3-second gap between the end of the game and when it is recorded as official. Should I? Yes, I should. I hit the reset button and it all goes away. I'll try again tomorrow.

Too bad the real world doesn't work that way.