Because you requested it, here’s a list of the top ten guys that deserve a punch in the neck at my ten year high school reunion.

10. Adam Berry. He used to wear those half t-shirts for AV Football all the time. It’s a bit uncomfortable, when the guy sitting next to you in Algebra only has half a shirt on. It’s like he got a shipment meant for the cheerleading squad and just didn’t realize that, I don’t know, guys don’t wear half shirts. Other than the half a shirt thing, he was an all right guy. I don’t have anything bad to say about him personality-wise. But I think the half a shirt thing deserves a top ten ranking.

9. Dan "Setz" Setzler. Mostly just because he was a reality television star, and I hate everything I’m not.

8. Grey Boyer. Formerly Stephen Boyer. He was my first introduction into the “too hip to be hip” world. If you’re confused about what that is, see anyone who works at the Triple Rock.

7. Jeff Wagner. This guy used to beat me up. He used to beat me up a lot. I once had to give an apology speech to my history class for disrupting it by getting my ass kicked during the lecture on Nelson Mandela. I’m pretty sure the teacher thought I was weak, too, and found it humerous to A) see me get beat up and B) perpetuate the humiliation by making me retell it to my fellow classmates.

6. Tom Cruise. Although he may not have gone to my high school, I’m pretty sure if I saw him on Saturday night I’d punch him in the neck.

5. Erik Almeida. He was one of those rich kids that you just really didn’t like. I hope he grew past all that, but if high school was any indication, he probably still suffers from being a complete jackass.

4. Mike Schaaf. Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy. Christ, I stood up in his wedding. It’s just that I think he could benefit from a good punch in the neck. He’s got a whole holier-than-thou attitude in life, and I think it’d do good for him to be brought back down a notch every once in a while. He’s got a great life with a wife, a house, a kid, a dog, a dream job. All the things you’re supposed to be looking for, right? He just needs to not remind me of that every time I see him, and how lacking my list is on any of those things.

3. Nate Milender. Again, I like this guy. He’s probably one of my best friends. I’ve certainly known him longer than anyone else in my life (barring family, of course). We grew up together, went our separate ways and became “adults”, and still managed to hold on to our friendship. It’s just that, every once in a while, I think he could use a good punch in the neck.

2. Brendan Fraser. He’s just so…smug. I don’t like smug people. I hope I’m not one of them. I usually try to catch myself when I start thinking I’m better than everyone else. It’s not a good way to lead your life.

And, finally...

1. Jeremy Bishop. Who does that guy think he is, talking about everyone like that? When did he become so bitter? So…smug? He just needs to receive his punch in the neck, take a step back, look at his life for a minute and figure some of that shit out.

And then he should probably try to find a girlfriend. And a job he’s happier at. And some Elvis sunglasses.