Last night the Timberwolves lost, again, to the Cleveland Cavaliers and LeBron James. And it wasn’t pretty. Today, a headline in Slate asked, What if LeBron James and Wolverine Joined the New York Knicks? (referring to the X-Man and adamantium spokesperson). Unfortunately, the article didn’t actually speculate on Logan’s basketball prowess – would he be a chucker?, can he play with his back to the basket?, etc. – so I guess I’ve got to do it.

So let’s say that, prior to last night’s game, the Cavs trade Ben Wallace, Delonte West, and 1st round picks in 2009 and 2011 to the Toronto Raptors (because I assume Canada would still own the rights to Weapon X) for Wolverine and (to make the salaries match) She-Hulk and Bulls-Eye (whose three-point shooting has been a disappointment). Wolverine would presumably play an undersized power forward, with Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Anderson Varejao playing center.

1st quarter: Wolverine gets the start and the assignment to defend Timberwolves leading scorer Al Jefferson. Jefferson is obviously afraid to play down low, so instead settles for mid-range jump shots with moderate success. Wolverine is a fierce rebounder in the Dennis Rodman mold, either grabbing each ball or tipping it away from the other team and to his teammates for easy second chance points. Wolverine ends the 1st quarter with just 2 points off a tip-in, 8 rebounds and 3 assists. He also gets credit for two blocks made by slashing the ball with his claws, for which he is assessed one technical foul.

2nd quarter: The Wolves bring Craig Smith (aka the Rhino) off the bench to take the ball low and try to draw some fouls on Wolverine. Smith channels his inner Juggernaut and manages to frustrate Wolverine to the point that he is referred to sarcastically as "Bub" on multiple occasions. At one point, Wolverine is rammed hard enough to send him falling into the basket support, causing his shoulder to separate. (He pops it back in and continues to play.) Sensing the growing frustration, Wolverine is benched for the last 5 minutes of the quarter. While sitting on the bench, LeBron James says to Wolverine, "You know, I’m not even old enough to rent a car," to which Wolverine responds, "I’m 92 and I never knew my father." The conversation ends.

3rd quarter: It appears that the Wolves are getting a break as Wolverine refuses to leave the bench at the start of the 3rd quarter. Actually, it’s just Magneto screwing with him. He’s sitting in section 121 after being given free tickets by a Wolves employee standing on 1st Ave. The officials stop the game and tell Wolves management that they’ll be forced to forfeit if Magneto is not removed from the building. When Wolverine finally gets into the game, he goes on a mad spree that results in the on-court decapitation of Brian Cardinal and Jason Collins. This results is his second technical foul and ejection, although it isn’t clear that that is the reason for the cheers from the Timberwolves’ fans.

4th quarter: From the locker room, Wolverine watches as LeBron James abuses the Wolves for 26 points in just the first 8 minutes of the quarter. With the Cavs leading by 33, LeBron is pulled to a standing ovation from the Minnesota fans, who then enter into a "Fire McHale" chant which lasts until after the final buzzer.

Wolverine’s final stat line: 5 points, 13 rebounds, 6 blocks. She-Hulk kicks in another 4 points and 7 rebounds after Wolverine’s ejection, while Bulls-Eye and Mike Miller combine to go 0-11 from three point range.