So I just read this article about a parasitic microbe found in cats that may have altered human culture by manipulating people's personalities.

According to the article, people infected with this microbe are more likely to be neurotic and have higher levels of anxiety, depression, and insecurity. (And just wait until you're charged higher insurance premiums for being a cat owner.) The same microbe makes rats more daring, meaning that they're more likely to hang out in areas "marked" by a cat.

But, a disease influencing the course of human events? Yeah, I'd believe it. Just think how different European history would look if a syphilitic Henry VIII didn't decide that he was God and start lopping off women's heads. But is the behavior of cat owners really that different than non-cat owners? So many variables are involved that it would be impossible to test. Unless...

Subject A: 29 year-old caucasian male Midwesterner, college educated, married, has shared a dwelling with at least one cat since September 2000 (not including an 8-month cat-free gap in 2002-03).

Subject B: Identical twin brother of Subject A (same genetics, same upbringing, you see where I'm going with this?), college educated, married, has never lived with a cat.

So, can living with a cat really change someones personality?

Test 1: Vh1's World Series of Pop Culture. Subject A dominated the music-related categories, especially the questions about rap, which makes sense because Subject B hasn't purchased a CD since 1996. But Subject B did remember that the Ghostbuster's car was named Ecto 1. Conclusions: No definitive results.

Test 2: Blind self-defense. (You may now be asking, if he just read this article today, when were these tests performed? Trust me, it's better to just roll with it.) Subject A and B take turns being blindfolded and sat in a chair while various objects are thrown at their heads from different directions and speeds. Subject A blocks 3 of the 10 items, but manages to block the three most potentially-dangerous items (parring knife, ceramic bowl of diced onion, non-poisonous snake) while Subject B blocks just 1 of 10 (a medium-sized VCR remote control). Conclusions: It appears that the more anxious Subject A has enhanced defense mechanisms. This may start to prove a different behavior pattern.

Test 3: Subjects A and B are set in front of a fully-stocked and free bar and told that they can both drink as much or as little as they want. Over the course of an hour. Subject B sips two domestic beers while Subject A downs 4 7 and 7's, 14 fingers of scotch, a white russian (?), and vomits on his shoes. Conclusions: Enhanced depression in Subject A.

Test 4: In the soon to be re-carpeted empty bedroom on Subject A's home, Subjects A and B are asked to crouch down and place noses near corner of the room where Subject A's cat had an "accident." Subject A maintains position over the target for 17 minutes, while Subject B says "no friggin way" and leaves, thus canceling tests 5-10. Conclusions: Subject B has no desire to hang out near cat urine.

Well, it's pretty clear that science is on to something. Cats really are slowly driving people crazy. Clearly Arlo, Mr Burlap Sack, and I need to take a drive to visit Mr. River.