conversations with smoot by worm 4

Performing community service with Fred Smoot: (June, 2006)

(Friday June 9, 2:47 AM - a telephone rings)

Me: Hello?

Smoot: Hey Jay, how's it hangin? Was you sleepin?

Me: Fred? What's going on?

Smoot: Man, I'm just callin to see what's up. You know, make sure that your lady is fulfilling her wifely duties and such. Ya know what I mean?

Me: What? What the hell are you talking about? You're lucky Sara is a sound sleeper - do you have any idea what time it is?

Polaski: Yes sir, It's 2:48 AM.

Me: Who the fuck was that?!?

Smoot: Uh... yeah, that was my case worker. He needed to listen in for this to qualify as community service. Say hey, Fred.

Polaski: Fred Polaski here. I've been handling offenders like Mr. Smoot for going on 17 years.

Smoot: Pretty funny them assigning me a case worker with the same name, eh Jay?

Me: I'm hanging up now.

Smoot: No, wait. Ya see, I was telling Fred here about how you always askin for my help with the ladies. You know, bedroom stuff. So we got to thinkin that you could put us on speaker and I could talk you through the whole thing. That oughta be good for like 20-25 minutes of community service, right?

Polaski: I've got to admit that it's not the usual avenue of service encouraged by the Lakes Commission, but Mr. Smoot is a very persuasive man, and this does fit his unique talents.

Smoot: Hehehe, that's right. So let's get things started. This is where it's good that Sara's a sound sleeper - you'll wanna roll her onto her stomach, and with your left hand...

Me: Fred... uh, Smoot, you either tell Fred Junior that you made all that up about me needing help or I'll pass along your recipe for guacamole.

Smoot: Whoa!... uh, yeah, it ain't true. Jay here is the most virile playa I ever met. I couldn't ever take his seconds cause there's no way I could deal wit that much disappointment. If anything, he should be givin me advice. And last week I saw him in the shower...

Me: OK, that's enough. Are we cool?

Smoot: Yeah, we cool as long as you lose that recipe. Dig?

Me: I'll lose it at least until my July 4th party. You coming?

Smoot: You know it. Be there at 7.

Me: AM or PM?

Smoot: Hehehe. Gotta go baby, we got a few more calls to make. Smoot out.

Polaski: Good night sir.

Smoot: Na man, say it like I taught you.

Polaski: Ok, um... Polaski out.