conversations with brett favre by worm 4

In which Brett Favre announces his retirement... again. A telephone rings.

Me: Hello?

Brett: Hey Jay, it’s me, Brett.

Me: Wow, February already? Wait… I think I know why you’re calling…

Brett: Yup, I did it again. Retired for real this time. Filed the retirement paperwork and everything. It’s all nice and official.

Me: Really? That’s too bad because the headline locally today says that the Vikings are really struggling to get a stadium deal. Maybe if they brought in a hall of fame quarterback...

Brett: (excited) You think they’d be interested? Cause I can reapply easy enough. I’ll just need Deanna to read that reinstatement form to me so’s that I know where to make my mark. I’ve got a few laying around somewhere.

Me: Well, you’d know better than me, what with Childress being a good friend of yours, but I’d bet against it.

Brett; Yeah, it’s probably for the best. Last season really didn’t go the way I wanted it.

Me: Whaddaya mean? You made the Pro-Bowl. You got off to a great start and had people talking about the Jets in the Super Bowl. Sure, you got hurt, but that happens.

Brett: Yeah, but I got the coach fired.

Me: Even better! Mangini ended up in Cleveland, which is the team I’ll be rooting for when the Vikings are in L.A. in a few years. Everyone wins.

Brett: I guess all that attention was nice. There’s gotta be some way that I can stay in the public eye now that I’m retired. Maybe I could go into politics or something.

Me: I’m not so sure about that Brett. I mean, look around. The economy is in freefall, people are losing their jobs and homes and retirement savings. Taxes will be going up to pay for all the social services for people who are unemployed, meaning that people will have even less money. Crime will inevitably rise, the standard of living will decrease… and we’re still fighting two wars with no end in sight. Add to the fact that the media is too busy focusing on women who undergo taxpayer subsidized fertility treatment so that they can have 14 kids who also require taxpayer support, making her into some kind of hero… basically, the world is going to hell. Do you really think that you, an illiterate hillbilly with a bum wing, can make a difference?

Brett: I’m sorry, did you say something? I was distracted by a magazine with my picture on the cover.

Me: Nevermind. Just enjoy your retirement.

Brett: Thanks. (beep) Oh, I’ve got another call... It’s A-Rod. He’s probably calling to thank me again for bumping him off ESPN’s ticker. That’s the fourth call today.

Me: Tell him I said Hi. Later.

Brett: Brett out.