Since I'm really bored and didn't feel like working, I wrote two really stupid stories* about St. Valentine, the hero of Valentine's Day. Don't confuse him with the real St. Valentine, who probably did something very noble at some point. This St. Valentine is completely made up, and kind of an idiot, so he seemed like a perfect representative for Valentine's Day.

Enjoy and have a happy holiday and all that.

*the term stories is loosely used here to represent what is mostly dialogue between St. Valentine and various other parties.

The Story of How St. Valentine Found Out About The Unholy Tabernacle of Joe Valentine, his Arch-nemesis and Younger Brother

It all started when St. Valentine was having lunch with his older sister, Mindy. She started in about their younger brother Joe, as she inevitably did every time they met, and mistakenly mentioned his Unholy Tabernacle.

"You know he's got an Unholy Tabernacle", she said by mistake.

"What's that?", replied St. Valentine.

"Uh, an Unholy Tabernacle. You know, where he keeps stuff", she said.

"I thought the tabernacle was the portable sanctuary in which the Jews carried the Ark of the Covenant through the desert, in some stories using it to smite their enemies", he said.

"That wouldn't really be unholy, now would it? A tabernacle can also be a niche for a statue or relic. Get a dictionary, man."

St. Valentine took a moment to think, pondering what his younger brother and arch-nemesis could possibly keep in this Unholy Tabernacle. "OK", he said, "I give up, what kind of statue or relic does Joe keep in his Unholy Tabernacle?"

"Well, I know he keeps those old Polaroid's from your college days in there", she said.

"Uh, what do you mean? What Polaroid's?", he said.

"You know what Polaroid's", she said, "the ones depicting the temporary tattoo 'St. Valentine Was Here' on several young ladies."

"How did he find those? I mean, why would he keep them?", he asked.

"Something to hold against you. I think he's a little tired of you telling everyone that he's your younger brother and arch-nemesis. I think it's the younger bit that really gets to him. You're only eight seconds older than he is."

"Technically, that is older", he said.

"Technically you're an idiot, too. But I don't go around calling you St. Valentine, Idiot and Younger Brother."

"But he is my younger brother. And my arch-nemesis."

"Well, maybe you should stop calling his office and asking what nefarious plans he is up to when he's at lunch every day", she said.

"Yeah, well, at least I don't call my safe deposit box an 'Unholy Tabernacle' and keep old pictures of my sibling's flings in it."

"It's not a safe deposit box", she said.

"Damn."

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St. Valentine vs. Trojan Man

Jack & Jill had been out on three dates. Jack was sure this would be the night that they went all the way, with it being Valentine's Day and his having bought her flowers. He took her up to makeout point in his dad's old station wagon, but she just wanted to sit on the hood of the car, hold hands and watch the stars. Jack didn't know what to do when a deep voice suddenly yelled...

...Trojan Man...

"Hey, kids. Looking to make that next step, but unsure of how to do it safely?", asked Trojan Man.

"What? No", said Jill.

"How did you know, Trojan Man?", said Jack.

"I know everything, Jack. Now tell her she has pretty eyes", said Trojan Man.

"No, no. We're just sitting out here looking at the stars. He's not going to get any, Trojan Man", said Jill.

"You have really pretty eyes", said Jack.

"Now tell her that the beauty of the stars is nothing compared to..."

"Guys, seriously, Jack's not getting anywhere tonight, so can you just leave us alone, Trojan Man", said Jill.

"Perhaps some red wine will lighten the mood", said Trojan Man.

Suddenly, out of the bushes on the side of the car, St. Valentine emerges. "Hey", he yelled, "These kids are underage and out to enjoy the stars on this beautiful Valentine's Day eve. Why don't you let them be, Trojan Man."

Trojan Man pointed his finger at St. Valentine and laughed a hearty laugh. "Everyone is in total agreement but you, St. Valentine. Jack & Jill need the help of Trojan Man tonight!"

"Actually, no we don't", said Jill.

"We're in total agreement!", shouted Trojan Man.

"Why do you have to be here today?", whined St. Valentine, "This is my day. I only get one a year, you're around all of the time."

"Actually, this is my busiest day.", replied Trojan Man. "You don't think VD just stands for Valentine's Day, do you? Quite the coincidence, wouldn't you say? I'm here to protect these kids from the dangers of pre-marital sex."

"It sickens me, how you desecrate my day about love and flowers only to peddle your wares on unsuspecting teens up at makeout point" shouted St. Valentine.

"Guys, nobody's getting anywhere with me tonight", said Jill.

"What's that? The sound of more teens in need of my particular brand of help? I'm off!", shouted Trojan Man.

...Trojan Man...

"Thanks a lot, St. Valentine", yelled Jack, sarcastically.

"Yeah, thanks St. Valentine", said Jill.

"No need to thank me, youngsters", said St. Valentine, "I'm just happy you kids are safe to watch the stars in peace now. My work here is done", and with that he returned to the bushes from whence he came.

"F*ck you, St. Valentine", said Jack.

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