You’d be surprised at how hard it is to break up with Charlize Theron. I don’t want to say anything bad about Charlize, here. She’s great. Stunning. Spectacular. But you know how things are, sometimes they just don’t work out. Hearts have to be broken.

The only problem is, I can’t seem to get her to admit that the breakup is going down.

I started out by trying to call her. I know, I know, it’s the cheap way out, especially if all you do is leave a message on the machine. But you have to understand, Charlize is a busy woman. She doesn’t always have time for a hot cup of joe or a good slice of ‘za.

So I tried to get a hold of her over the phone. The thing is, she proved surprisingly elusive. After mistakenly pouring my heart out to Charlie Theron for fifteen minutes, I realized that the phonebook might not be as strong an ally as I had originally thought. Besides, I wasn’t even really sure what city she lived in.

These movies stars can be very elusive.

But I wasn’t going to let that be the end of it. I felt that I owed Charlize more than that. A lesser man might have taken the lack of communication as a straightforward sign that she realized the relationship was over, but I am not a lesser man.

My next move was to write her publicist, manager, and the last few studios she had worked for. After several months and numerous cease and desist letters, all full of legal mumbo jumbo that I didn’t really understand, I realized that something more would be needed.

It made sense. After all, what we had was something special.

Since I was having such a hard time locating her, and legally speaking I had to remain at least 500 yards away from the Academy Awards every year (the one place I knew I could find her, seeing as she’s always up for this or that category, she’s quite the shining star), I realized that I’d have to do something…different. And then it came to me.

Celebrity impersonators are actually quite easy to find, and relatively affordable. I borrowed some filming equipment from an old friend and found a local coffee shop that would allow me the time I needed to put together my masterpiece and the ending to our relationship that I felt we both needed. By breaking up with a fake Charlize on film, I felt that the experience would not only be cathartic to myself, but allow Charlize to feel like she had been there, too. Perhaps then she could finally move on.

I forwarded a copy of the video on to her publicist, and noted that I wasn’t sure if it would get to her seeing as I had had some difficulty previously in writing her. Shortly thereafter I received another package filled with even more legal jargon, things like “sue for libel if said tape is ever released” and the all too familiar “remain at a distance of 500 yards at all time”.

I finally felt like we had the closure that we needed. Breaking up with Charlize Theron is, like I said, a lot harder to do then one would think.